Love is a suicide
by Byukio
Summary: "It isn't like Ryoga needs him, he has Kaito, and he is willing to give up their friendship for him to be happy.. because he can't be happy for him, he can't because he finds it immoral, disgusting, vile, most of all he hates that it isn't him, that it wasn't him." KaiRyo mentioning and mainly IVRyo though.


**AN: IVRyo/Disqualifyshipping Angst because I like to take advantage of when I'm feeling down and write something. It's not all angsty it has a happy ending, somewhat. I guess, I don't know.. it was fun writing this though. Mentions of Challengeshipping. I like love/hate relationships anyway. **

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"Funny how I've studied you and know how you react now. Used those things against you, a shame. " IV laughed at the boy who was sprawled across the floor, Ryoga. " Used every little knowledge about you, built you up, tore you down. Picking at your innocent center until I devastated you into the emotional un-shelling that you are. " He chuckled, only silence, no tears this time, he placed his hand on Ryoga's cheek, lifting him up off the floor.

"You disgust me, and- " the silence hits the thick air, no words, not now because they can't, he can't, only a grunt, a low scream of anger and a fist. He feels the impact against his cheek, it hits just as hard as his words do to Ryoga.

He can't help but laugh; he just can't help it. He hears Ryoga groan out "And what makes you so fucking perfect?" He hisses out, IV simply rubs his cheek and smiles "I don't dignify myself with dating an eighteen year old. " he chuckles out.

Why does he care about Ryoga's life choices, why does it hurt him to know more than it should? He should be happy for them, but he can't. He can't help but feel disgusted, repulsed by it.

He can't explain why, which makes the situation worse because he cannot comfort him, he can't, he can only bring the hurt like he did before.

That's all he knows how to do right now because he can't fake being okay with this. He just can't, and it hurts.

He runs his fingers through Ryoga's hair, he curses, in that instant Ryoga is terrified of IV's anger. Afraid of what he'll do, afraid of the outcome.

He hears IV hiss out between angry curses "Why, why didn't I learn this from you?! Why did I have to learn about this from your piece of shit _boyfriend_? " He hissed out, tightening the grip around the latter's hair. Shit, shit.. why is he so angry? Why does it hurt to just be around him? Why didn't Ryoga trust him, they were friends.

"IV, listen I'm not dating Kaito- " no, there is no room for talk, only violence and anger proceeds through, the only thing that can be processed right now. "Don't, just don't. " He hears Ryoga grunt out that it's the truth, _no_! He can't help but grip the latter's hair tighter, words aren't enough, words won't get through to him, not now.

"Don't even bother Ryoga, " IV hisses out as he shows off the messages Kaito sent him, he wasn't even sure why he had shown him. Started with such a simple conversation until words of _'Ryoga is upset'_ and of course Ryoga would never tell him that he was upset, it was Ryoga after all. He probably just would've laughed anyway, he never was that great at comforting but he'd always at least try.

"If that's so true what's this? " he flashes Ryoga the message, words sprawled out. _'Yeah goodnight Kaito, I love you'_ he then sees him try to reason; he doesn't feel he should listen.

"its just being friendly, you act that way to Rio don't you?" Ryoga asks, that's different.. they're friends.. it's different.. he knows Kaito and Ryoga are friends but friends don't do _'kissing'_ acts, love texts, and just call them _'friends'_ and it hurts because he couldn't tell him, it hurts because he should have been told this by him.. not Kaito!

"And a relationship doesn't involve kissing? Please, Ryoga. " He shakes his head, turns and hisses out "Don't even say you don't wish to hurt Kaito because that isn't the Ryoga I know, he's changed you." He sees Ryoga growl out in anger because he doesn't feel he's changed, he feels IV is being too over protective, he doesn't understand.

He feels IV's fingers grab at his hair, pull his hair hard, it hurts.

"He has not, and if you aren't willing to accept any of this," cold silence because he realizes what is happening when Ryoga says those words, it's a goodbye, a goodbye he'd been prepared for. He turns and gives Ryoga a wave "Goodbye, I don't need to know anymore about what you're planning on saying, I've known you enough, Ryoga.. " it hurts, it really does, it takes everything for IV not to break down, he knows this has to be done though.

It isn't like Ryoga needs him, he has Kaito, and he is willing to give up their friendship for him to be happy.. because he can't be happy for him, he can't because he finds it immoral, disgusting, vile, most of all he hates that it isn't him, that it wasn't him. He doesn't care anymore though. He smiles, he puts on his facade like always, and he laughs. "Be happy with Kaito for me, will you? "

He turns, shuts the door harder than he should've, he's angry though, he's hurt.. it's to be expected, he has to leave because he can't handle this situation, he has to avoid Ryoga because he isn't capable of being happy for him. He can't be happy for him because it isn't him; he's also hurt that he couldn't trust him, why did Kaito have to tell him?

Why did Ryoga even do this.. he had to have done it, right?

The images Kaito showed, the texts.. they weren't fake.

Kaito wouldn't lie, he didn't fully understand but he didn't care, it wasn't his problem. He was done with Ryoga, he wouldn't comfort him when this blew up in flames, why should he? He curses, he couldn't comfort Ryoga even if he wanted to, he wasn't capable, he was only able to hurt him, and he had already done that. He shouldn't even bother, he was happy with Kaito.. so why would Ryoga even care? It didn't matter, he and Ryoga's friendship was over; over because he said it was even if he didn't get a clear answer from the duelist.

Ryoga was sighing heavily, collecting himself from the situation, he picked up his d-gazer and sent a text to Kaito quickly _'You said it'd bring us closer, you didn't say he'd react like this, this is all your fault Kaito.'_ he groans awaiting the blonde's message, he couldn't believe IV would react in such a way, no.. he could actually.

Kaito's message sprawled across his d-gazer _'It's Thomas, what did you expect? I told you he wouldn't react like you thought, why don't you just tell him the truth, how you feel?'_

He can't do that, he isn't sure how, he can't anymore.. he's hurt IV enough, fuck.. why did he ever think this would be successful, this whole plan had backfire written all over it, shit.. he bet IV was somewhere, wishing him happiness but.. he wasn't happy, how could he be? How could IV think him leaving, fighting with him, the guilt of their relationship- no.. no friendship was stretched even thinner than it was.

There's nothing he can do because he's gone, he can't think of what to do.

Nothing works, he texts him _'Meet me at the school and I'll explain something to you.'_ He waits, he hopes he replies, he doesn't want this to end because of Kaito's advice, he should have just confronted IV, jealousy gets you nothing, nothing but injury and heart-break and pain. He's glad, glad because his d-pad lights up with a message, just one more chance that's all he needs, he promises he won't fuck up, he hopes to every Egyptian god out there that he doesn't.

_ 'Fine, whatever.. Ryoga'_

It's something and something is better than nothing. He quickly runs out of the house, to confront IV, to save what little friendship they have left, he hopes to god he makes it, he hopes that IV's still there, still there for him. He stops, he sees IV at the gate of the school. He sighs because he made it. He waves, no smile, why should there be?

He reaches out to touch IV, no he won't let him, of course not.. why should he be able to? He doesn't deserve to, he sighs heavily "IV.. Kaito only told you to make you jealous, it was an act, I wanted to see- " an awkward silence because it is awkward, he hears IV hiss out, he doesn't get to finish what he is saying, he should've expected that though. It was going to be a lot harder than that to reason with him.

"You wanted to see what Ryoga? See what damage you could do? " IV laughs, he laughs only because it's the only way he knows how to hide away the pain in his voice, he doesn't want to show Ryoga, it'd be a sign of weakness. He was never one to show weakness, he wouldn't start now.. at least not around him.

"No, IV just listen to me for fuck sakes! " Ryoga curses, he just wants him to listen but he won't, he's still hurt and he knows it but he has to try, he has to try to get through to IV. Somehow, he just has to somehow. He isn't sure how to express his feelings, he's afraid of how the Asia Champion will react, he's reacted in a frightening way when he said he was_ 'with'_ Kaito and that wasn't true. He had just wanted someone to comfort him because IV couldn't he knew that but Kaito wasn't the one he wanted, he wanted IV. He didn't care if he couldn't comfort him; he accepted that, he just needed a chance to talk.

He seems to have IV's attention now, he isn't sure what to start with, and he isn't sure how he can confess what he really feels. "You have my full attention, " he hears IV mutter out, he's glad of that.

"Hurry up; I don't have all day, Ryoga. " he knows that, he just isn't sure how he can put this together. It's so much simpler, so much easier when he tells Kaito what he really feels because he doesn't have to tell it to IV, it's harder because it's about IV.

"They were fake IV, it was Kaito's idea. " that's where he starts because he isn't sure how to start, he sees IV's eyes widen, he isn't sure if IV believes him or not, he really hopes he does because he isn't lying, he doesn't have a reason to lie.

He isn't sure if IV is going to say anything, he just sees the latter shrug his arms, not that he expects him to say anything. He was the one explaining things anyway. "I should've just told you what I wanted to tell you instead of this whole train wreck of a situation. " he sighs, he sees IV's eyebrow raise, he isn't sure if he wants him to go on.

"Whatever. " he hears him say, all he gets is a whatever? He doesn't know how to react anymore, he knows IV was never one to give comfort, so he can't really take offense to it; he's IV after all. He shakes it off as he takes a deep breath. He knows this has to be said, he has to make sure IV knows whether he believes him or not is up to him.

"I wanted to tell you how I felt about- " he sees IV's roll his eyes, he doesn't believe him, he knows that.

"Kaito, " IV mutters out as he smiles the fake smile, the same smile Ryoga had seen before but he knows it's not his real smile, his real smile doesn't have a hint of distance or a bone chilling feeling like this one. "You wanted to tell me about Kaito? Right, that's what this is about? " He hears him chuckle, he can tell IV isn't really laughing though, it isn't a happy laugh even if he makes it sound like one.

"I told you Ryoga, go be happy with Kaito; I made that clear didn't I? That I was happy for you? " He doesn't understand how IV is so great at faking this, he would've thought the Asia Champion was actually happy if his fake smile didn't give him away, he's known IV long enough to know his fake smiles from his real ones.

"You're fucking stupid, I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. " Ryoga hisses out as he clenches his fist just glaring at IV who just blinks, he isn't sure if he believes him or not but he's tried and he hopes it's enough to get through to him.

"How much you hate me right? For all the hell I've put you through, that's what you feel, after all why would you feel any different? " Why the fuck does IV have to be so complicated, he knows this is how he is but why can't he just accept this? Why does he make him have to explain how he feels? Why he feels it? Why does it need to have a reason?

Ryoga shakes his head and clenches his fist tighter "No how I feel about you, the feelings I have for you. The reason I even bothered with that plan of Kaito's, I was afraid. How you reacted don't you think I had a good reason not wanting to tell you how I actually felt? " He saw IV just shrug, he doesn't know how to express his feelings toward him anymore and neither does he, and he isn't sure what to do at this point. He expects IV to just walk away, but he doesn't.

IV's astounded, he wasn't sure why he reacted in such a dreadful way.. he couldn't believe it, he had actually been jealous over something that was fake?

That meant that he liked Ryoga didn't it? He isn't sure why he was jealous, he didn't want to feel this way but he does, he doesn't like it. He had even wished when he was shown the texts, hell even when he was fighting with Ryoga he had wished it was him he loved, he now was the one.. it was him all along and he didn't know what to do about it. He felt awful; he didn't like feeling that way.

IV had just wanted to run away because that's the only thing he was sure of at the time, he was sure that Ryoga would be cheerful without him but apparently he wouldn't be, how could he be if he was really the one he had wanted all along?

He was just afraid, afraid of how he felt about him. He wasn't sure why Ryoga was afraid, he never knew him to be afraid of anything, and maybe confessing about love was different. After all love can be a terrifying feeling. Neither of them is good at love though, this makes the situation worse. He isn't sure what to do.

"I don't expect you to have any mutual feeling, I mean with the things that you said back at my house.. why would you? " Ryoga laughed, it was his turn to fake the laughter, he knew how IV felt though even if he wouldn't say it out loud. He just wants to be sure, sure of something.

"Tch' you think I don't? Why else do you think I cared so much, it isn't easy to express how I actually feel. So I understand why you want him, and not me."

He smirks, he sees Ryoga's gaze set on him again, a glare, he isn't sure how he feels anymore he just knows he doesn't want Ryoga to leave right now.

"IV weren't you listening to a single thing I've said?! I want you, _you_. I want you and every stupid little flaw you have, I don't care if you can't express anything, IV.. I don't even care what you can't express because obviously you can. You showed you care even if you refuse to admit it. " He hissed out, he grabs at his black coat, he's surprised to see IV in something other than his Asia Champion outfit, it's a nice change.. it really is.

Neither of them knows how to fully express what they feel but it's all right, they've expressed enough to each other, all they both know is that they both care about each other, which is something at least.

IV isn't sure what to say at this point, so he smiles, it isn't one of his fake smiles though it's his genuine smile, this ones real and it sends a wave of relief over Ryoga to finally see something real, something real in all of his façade. He knows neither wants to make the first move, he leans forward and presses his head against IV's coat as he pulls the latter into a hug, if they can even call it that.

They both aren't sure what to feel, IV sure isn't sure what he feels; he strokes Ryoga's hair and sighs because it's different, different then when he was pulling his hair. "You disgust me. " he says as he leans down and places a rough kiss against Ryoga's lips, he says it because it's what started this whole mess. He hopes Ryoga understands the true meaning behind it because when he said it, he hadn't meant he hated him.

He meant he hated how he feels, how feels about him, he hates how he feels this way.. he knows Ryoga feels the same way now though, so it's okay. They can hate the feeling together.

Ryoga pulls away and hisses out "And you're so perfect? " he sees IV nod his head, he hears him whisper into his ear "Yeah but don't worry, I still love you. " _love_, it's unsettling at first to hear but he's glad IV's expressing something, he just isn't sure how to react to it. He rolls his eyes "Whatever. " he repeats the words he's heard IV repeating through this whole situation, he sees the latter smirk.

"Come on, we should get off the school grounds. " he nods his head at IV's words, he knows their overall relationship has been rocky but feelings were always complicated and hard to understand, he still hated the feelings but he and IV could hate the feelings together.

After all, all that really mattered in the end through all of this is that they still had one another.


End file.
